MINDY COHN PONE PUSSY PETER FEETER FEET FEET.

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Liz Claiborne can change you. Perry Ellis has a way with your soul and Calvin Klein can skull-fuck the living shit out of you, but on that fate-full day, I was forever - well... kind of, maybe not, sorta changed.

I was sorting out the Kenneth Kole slacks from the Perry Ellis, burrowing deep into what the floor managers call "pant-land", when I noticed that I hadn't come up for air in quite a while. Mostly, I was avoiding my cohort, who's troubling disposition dices daggers deep into your psyche.

"Ben, over here, I need you to see this." The voice was the patented voice of every mother, everwhere.

I looked up. I wanted to see who this Ben was and what he needed to see. Was it a pair of pants, or something more? A homeless man passed out behind the wrap stand? A freshly aborted fetus still warm and twitching? A black hole? Or was Ben's mother just standing there, with her shirt pulled over her head, jiggling her breasts from side to side? I looked up.

Okay, so it was a pair of pants.
Ben's mother stood next to the distressed Louis Raphael Cargo pairs searching for her son. She looked like the patented plump of every mother, everwhere. But I still hadn't seen Ben.
I tried to guess what Ben would look like by looking at his mother. Impossible. It never works until you see them side-by-side - or so the Nazis would like us to believe.

I was about to go down into the depths of pant-land when I heard him. Ben. He was gigantic. This tall dark-haired dude with a former highschool basketball player build came out of the land of Kenneth Kole Trend and started walking toward his mother. I came out of pantland, clutching a pair of mis-labled Perry Ellis. We walked past each other and, bango.
We recognized each other.
Ben.
Wisconsin highschool basketball jock-head Ben.
And I know he recognized me.
That Wisconsin Noah kid who did assemblies and wierd shit.
And here we were, lightyears, no, several dimensions away from that time and place. He was with his parents and I was with my Perry Ellis.
And all we could do was keep on walking.
I thought, hey, maybe I should say hi or go up to him and say, "Ben? Ben Anderson? Did you go to River Falls High School?" But the moment had passed and Ben was with his parents. And they were leaving the Pant-Land. I could not follow.

I stood there, thinking about the oddity of the situation. Maybe he didn't recognize me, or chose not to....maybe I'm like Natalie Portman in that movie V FOR VENDETTA,
you know, the part where she breaks out of the fake prison and almost gets recognized on the street by an old highschool friend, but since she has no fear anymore, the friend fails to recognize her and then she goes on to kick some shaved-head ass because she is so hot to me and that movie like totally rocked, but in a fun way, not a good way? You know? Like that.

Maybe I am Natalie Portman. That would be cool. I'd kick ass and be hot, and my former highschool friends would be none the wiser of my anarchy.

But in most cases, I'm not Natalie Portman.
I'm more like NATALIE, from the FACTS OF LIFE.

"But Mrs. Garrett, I couldn't possibly have another pastry, I'm due for a date rape in this episode!"
Good old Natalie. Fat and fun. That's me. and may I point out that it was not Tootie, it was not Jo-jo, Blair, Nancy, Molly or Beverly who lost their virtue first, it was fucking NATALIE! And she was date raped! Heavens to Betsy! That's exactly how I want to lose mine!

Oh Mindy Cohn. You rock. I always identified with you mostly... mostly...
And Ms. Portman, perhaps I can be you in another life...Au Revoir

Well I must return to my post in Pant-Land. Its been quite a week. Quite the shitty week.

But, I think Alan Thicke put it best:

"You take the good, you take the bad,

you take them both and there you have

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.

There's a time you got to go and show

You're growin' now you know about

The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.

When the world never seems

to be livin up to your dreams

And suddenly you're finding out

the Facts of Life are all about

you,

you.

It takes a lot to get 'em right

When you're learning the Facts of Life."

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