I have a bag. Oh do I ever have a bag. It was some swag I received at that screenwriting conference a while back and I must say that, for lack of a more offensive pejorative, it is faggy.
My god. I hate it. When I carry it around I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store front window and I just want to start pummeling myself. And I never feel that level of rage toward anything in life. This is the bag one would carry if they have given up in life. This is the bag I would carry after a botched sex change procedure, when I'm fifty-seven and post menopausal.
I can't throw it away because it's a decent bag, and I keep forgetting to give it away. I don't think any homeless person would find it useful. The color is stupid. Its a light canvas tan which means that any kind of dirt that falls on it will eventually make it look trashy. Oddly enough, things with the opposite color of canvas tan have the same curse. Nothing shows off dust, dirt and cat hair like a jet black t-shirt. You can't win.
It has the word Southampton on it, which is just stupid. It's a stupid word. No one says it when they're trying to be cool. Only douchey people say that word. Rich douchey self-entitled brats who need a secret doctor to give them a discreet back-alley abortion on a beach front property - wait is that possible? Only on USA network's ROYAL PAINS, catch it!!!
My god. I hate it. When I carry it around I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store front window and I just want to start pummeling myself. And I never feel that level of rage toward anything in life. This is the bag one would carry if they have given up in life. This is the bag I would carry after a botched sex change procedure, when I'm fifty-seven and post menopausal.
I can't throw it away because it's a decent bag, and I keep forgetting to give it away. I don't think any homeless person would find it useful. The color is stupid. Its a light canvas tan which means that any kind of dirt that falls on it will eventually make it look trashy. Oddly enough, things with the opposite color of canvas tan have the same curse. Nothing shows off dust, dirt and cat hair like a jet black t-shirt. You can't win.
It has the word Southampton on it, which is just stupid. It's a stupid word. No one says it when they're trying to be cool. Only douchey people say that word. Rich douchey self-entitled brats who need a secret doctor to give them a discreet back-alley abortion on a beach front property - wait is that possible? Only on USA network's ROYAL PAINS, catch it!!!
It has a picture of only what I can describe as a "happy ocean". No "happy trees", just a happy ocean, which in my world doesn't exist. The ocean is a heartless bitch with awful secrets in its depths and an angry surface that you read about... in movies like A Perfect Storm and White Squall. Can I just say this about White Squall...was that movie created just to attract child molesters? Can Hollywood do that? Create a movie with a young Ryan Phillipe running around in soaking wet briefs....it's the perfect child molester gill net. If Gill nets can cature dolphins with their tuna, then White Squall is the master molester-catcher!
Above this ocean is a sandy beach that is under attack by a bunch of Kamikazzee books. Yes, this is it, judgement day, when Cyberdyne Systems finally creates a book that is self-aware. It happed on August 4th, 1997. In 2029, Rosanne's Dan Connor will send back a book to terminate George Hamilton. It's all documented in this movie I saw once.
Ugh, I hate this bag. The handles are long, but not long enough to fit over my shoulder, so I have to let it dangle low by my calves when I carry it, like an eighty-year old lady carrying an old fashioned purse.
I broke my good uni-strap backpack that I've had for ten years. I'm too cheap to buy a new one. And you'd think that one would grow out of using backpacks to take to work, but I can't ever imagine carrying a briefcase. I don't want to use those male purses....or those ultra-fat laptop bags that my dad takes to work. I don't want to be one of those corporate people who use an actual carry-on luggage piece with wheels. That never looks right. I know it works well for someone who has back problems, but it just seems depressing.
The only bag I don't mind using is this free duffel bag I got from my health insurance company for completing an online health assessment. It says that I'm a Health Challenge Winner. I had planned to black out those incriminating words with a fat sharpee, but I didn't have time and the first day that I used it I caught shit for it. "You don't look like a health challenge winner, tee-hee-hee-hee..."
It is now painted black completely. It's great. It's not too big, like some of those sloppy duffel bags you see office dudes using - you know, the office dudes who can't get through a fourteen hour workday without working out at the gym - and its big enough to haul all of my crap. I left this bag at work - I didn't want to carry my laptop home in last night's torrential downpour.
It is now painted black completely. It's great. It's not too big, like some of those sloppy duffel bags you see office dudes using - you know, the office dudes who can't get through a fourteen hour workday without working out at the gym - and its big enough to haul all of my crap. I left this bag at work - I didn't want to carry my laptop home in last night's torrential downpour.
So now this morning, my only option was this stupid cat lady bag. I hate myself. Do any of you want my cat lady bag? Any takers? Let me know.
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