BraveFart

Hey campers. To quote the artist STAIND "It's been a while".  blah blah blah. 

I just wanted to share with you a thing that is being displayed at my place of work. After five years at the library, they decided I should do a "Get to know you" display, so I was sent a questionnaire and I spent my entire "phantom" lunch hour responding to the questions. The picture to the right is the crown jewel of this display - its a picture of me hard at work shelving in the children's section.

BTW a "phantom" lunch hour is a lunch hour that is sixty minutes, when you are only assigned thirty.  Yes I wrote this in thirty minutes.   I loved every second of it.  I felt like one of those supermodels who gets to fill in their "turn ons" and "turn offs!" 

Here is the Questionnaire, unedited. The bold part is the question I had to answer.  It was kind of like those credit card ads you see Ellen DeGeneres or Robert DeNiro doing in a magazine. 

• My position at Central Library is Support Services and part time bouncer for  The Children's Library StoryTime Hour. 

• I’m originally from here , but I currently maintain a dual citizenship with River Falls, WI

• When I was little, I wanted to be a special FX artist or comic illustrator ala Gary Larson’s The Far Side when I grew up.

• One of my fondest memories is seeing the premiere screening of STOP! Or my Mom will Shoot! with my Grandmother.  Who does that? 

• An interesting job I’ve had in the past is chef.  True story, I once got a job after bouncing a check at a Mediterranean cafe.  After settling the debt with the owner, she hired me because I “looked like I knew how to cook”. Ultimate Robert Altman-esque fat joke?  Only time will never tell.  

• If money or qualifications were no option, my dream job would be Guest Author “Sexpert” and Addiction Specialist…to the STARS!

• One place I’ve always wanted to travel is anywhere.  But the mode MUST be Astral Projection.  I’ve always wanted to do that.  Can you show me?  

• The title of my autobiography would be I Fall To Pieces: The story of urban fiction author NJW Supreme As Told Through the Spirit of Meredith Baxter Birney. 

• One thing you might not guess about me is I used to play cello.  Then one day, the cello played me. Played me for keeps.  

• Something I’ve always wanted to try is dating someone who’s emotionally available, I mean Hello?!? Don’t get me started, Sisterfriends!

• The last good book I read was Prop Comedy Made Simple by Gern Blanston. 

• Some of my hobbies are screenwriting and podcasting. I have a show where we review romantic comedies called When Harry Met Fatty.  (for realsies!  Look it up!) 

• I have recurring dreams about my seven missing wives and my pocket full of soup. 

• My first car was a real treasure. Her name was Buttercup and she holds all of our secrets at the bottom of Lake Superior. 

• My family consists of just me and my nest of Cadbury Cream Easter Eggs.  Jealous? 

• My ancestors were originally from Africa, Norway and beyond. 

• My perfect day would involve Mimosas with the girls, Apple Store people-watching at the Rosedale Mall, a nap, a double matinée of horror films with my personal trainer, Vietnamese food, Drinks at any nearly empty piano bar and then a sudden scuffle, propofol and darkness.

• My reflection in the dark monitor of my mac book air is my comfort food. Just kidding, it’s Angel food cake, silly!

So after THAT happened, I thought I would get fired.  Here's what happened.  One of our Somalian custodians came up to me and asked me exactly what part of Africa I was from. 

One of our African American custodians asked me what level of wrestling I had participated in during high school. 

Other than that, no one really cared, which was what I was hoping. Worst case scenario is a sexual harassment claim.  I hope that never happens because I'll never be able to enjoy NORTH COUNTRY again!