THE CHRONICALS OF NOAHNIA: great scot!!!

This entry is so Two-Thousand and LATE, but now that I've successfully avoided all the calls from my diabetes doctor, I've afforded some time for me to sit in the dark and dream.

I won't spoil Prometheus for you. I just wanted to note that this movie totally unmade what was going to be a Joody Moody Summer Bummer 2012!

I was the co-creator of Species the musical. Where the fuck else would you think I would be when this movie opened? This movie is the perfect "noah trap". Well, that and an itunes gift card underneath a cardboard box propped up with a stick.

I saw Prometheus weeks ago and I still think about it. Oh boy, does it have its flaws. And plotholes. But I ass you...just go ahead and make a sci-fi movie and keep it from becoming Buckaroo Banzai or Event Horizon. Anytime you have a rubber suit...well a rubber "anything" near your movie set...it's only a matter of time before you head towards Ed Woodsville by way of the special effects department of the BBC.

I'll get my thoughts of Prometheus out right here- you can skip this next paragraph if you're still planning to see it completely clean:

Hats off to Ridley Scott, man. You're damn near Eighty Years old and its been 30 years since Weyland Corporation WAYLAID its precious cargo of the Nostromo. You're still hard! Quentin Tarrantino talks about this - of filmmakers going limp in their later years. Your flick basically runs like the first one in terms of pacing and even structure. I didn't like the score as much this time around...I still prefer Goldsmith's work from '79, the stuff that sounds like the DNA of some distant society. I'm just so happy that you didn't fuck this up completely. You got with Giger again and you brought on LOST writer Damon Lindelhof who got to add some humor to this dark, majestic world. The tone of this flick was managed so well...it took itself seriously enough, but still let itself be a bit schlocky. I'm just happy you're alive and still making things. I had to steal some music from Stanley Kubrik's Eyes Wide Shut last night for a podcast and I got really sad. There will never be another "Kubrik-ian" world for me to behold. Nothing new anyway. It's like checking the news every now and then to make sure Christopher Lloyd is still alive. As long as he's still alive, there's still a chance for another Back to the Future. My favorite part of your movie involves something getting zipped up inside a bag. I don't know why, but I keep thinking about that moment and it makes me smile. Keep it up!

The rest of this entry is just going to be pictures from this book I got at the library called ALIEN VAULT. Nerd alert! It has all of these dope pockets with snapshots from the set. I love that Ridley Scott didn't start filmmaking until after he turned Forty. I love that when he released the Director's Cut of the 25th anniversary of Alien, it was actually shorter. "I thought the cadences could be tighened up. I really just addressed the entrances, the exits are pretty good." And the whole thing moves like a metronome on top of a swiss watch that is being set by the anus of some uptight German from the Forties.

Perhaps one of the big reasons I like world of ALIEN is that it's the ultimate appetite suppressant. I couldn't drink milk for a week after seeing Ash bleed white. And now that I don't consume dairy, I STILL avoid Almond milk. And Almond milk, I would argue, is EXACTLY what Android blood would taste like - it has that "Battery-esque" after taste. bleech! Prometheus really kicked off this anorexic phase for me. Nothing tastes that great, and my mealtimes are more of a nuisiance...just something to stop the roar of hunger that I fear. I hate being hungry. It means I have to decide what to eat. And that's a huge time suck. Money has to be spent and special trips to a co-op must be arranged. The same with drinking. Why bother? I really wish I were an android, like Prometheus' David. Have you seen his commercial?

After a really trying time getting yelled at by homeless people at work, I often fantasize that I am David. And who knows, maybe I am. A replicant. A really bad replicant that people from the Blade Runner universe use as a toilet. Or a crashtest dummy in their skycruisers.

I love that in both Alien and Prometheus you have a woman on board the ship who has the job of reading whatever the computer says on its screen outloud to everyone who is in clear view of the monitor. Just like Sigourney Weaver in Galaxy Quest.

I love that Ripley had a cat. That's what drew me in as a kid, when I saw Alien on TV. Who brings a Cat into space? Especially a deep space mining mission! I grew up in a house full of cats. Every night I would let them into my bed on the condition that they would hiss as soon as they saw an alien. Or one of those face hugger creatures. Instead, they just sat on my chest and stole my breath.

I love that, in its truest essence, Alien is just a haunted house movie in space. You got a creature from another planet that is only good for one thing: jumping out of shadows and going "boooogaaaboogaaboogaabooo!"

But make no mistakes. As Roman DeBeers declares in PARTY DOWN: